Times are rough...

Today has been interesting. I used up my personal time on day one. E was throwing up and I was so nervous for him. He's fine now... and I really hope Amazon doesn't look down on me for that. It makes things more awkward on me. I'm already a shy awkward person, I don't want more attention drawn on me. I just want to slip in and blend in. I don't want to be popular; this isn't high school. I just want to do my job as painlessly as possible and get money. Money is the goal here, unfortunately. I will do a lot for it right now. I grew up poor, but not needing. Now that I am on my own, I am even more broke. More than I have ever been. I don't like this feeling. Barely hanging on. I need this to work. I can't survive if I can't power through this. May the gods give me strength, I will think of Thor and Odin. 

Stress and Struggle

 A couple days ago I had a nightmare. I was being mocked and hit inside of a big building, while my ex/best friend just ignored me. Then, last night I had a similar dream, but different place and I wasn't getting hit. I feel like it's a trauma dream. My depression got really bad, so I'm trying my best to keep going and never stop. I start my new job on Monday, and I am so nervous. There is so much going on, it's no wonder I had a horrible panic attack and have been having issues lately. Weed has been helping somewhat. Jack Herer is a great strain. I really hope things work out for me. My goal? Save money and get my ex back. Yeah, I know how that sounds. "don't go back to an ex", but every situation is different. Oh, did I also mention we only have 15 dollars until Thursday? Yeah. I really hope his aunt and my grandma can help us out for now. I hate asking, I never had to before. Just until the next paycheck...

1/10/22

I need more hope. I'm sliding by on a tiny morsel of it, and I don't know if that's enough. I am pulling out all the stops. I applied to a job, I am trying to stay positive, I try to get sleep... but it never feels enough. I have so many things I want to write on here but at the same time it's just stuff that's repeated from past journals and notes I write down. I want him. I want him to want me. I wish I was someone else. Someone who has another love me more than I love them for once. I burn inside but I have to keep it to myself if I even want to have a chance with him again. I'm in an in-between were what I do is going to decide things and I hate floating here. I'm so afraid inside. I know certainty does not truly exist, but it wouldn't hurt to have some form of peace. I fear losing him. I also fear sitting in unrequited limbo forever. I always have to fight for things to work. Why can't someone love the real me? Why do I always have to be a certain way to deserve the love I get? I get my grandparents have a choice, so they don't count. I feel so pathetic. Why don't I deserve love from him?

2022

 Wow, the last time I posted here was in 2013! Well, I didn't die or anything. My Instagram is Blossomcorvus. I may write here more often, im not sure yet. My life since 2013 has been a ride, that's for sure.

New.

I was thinking of starting off new, and changing a few things about myself. Nothing major, but I need to be more positive. Life has been looking up a bit more lately, and it makes me feel grateful for all the things and people I have in my life. I'm not afraid of showing my softer side anymore. I'm tired of always trying to act like the tough one, when really maybe I should embrace my sensitive side. Not many people are very caring or open anymore. I want to change that by being a better person. I'm sure that when I complain it probably bothers people, especially when I talk about my low self-esteem. Nobody wants to constantly hear about that. I know I wouldn't. It drives people away, and I don't want that to happen. -sigh- Anyways, I will probably post random things on here, like pictures I like or tattoos I want. That kind of stuff. I may or may not keep this updated. I'm really bad at keeping up with blogs, haha. :p